25. Wren

Hello! I'm Dorian from #SuperWritersHelp here to fulfill your request of some feedback on this piece! As last time, I'll be focusing on highlighting specific areas that I think need some attention drawn to, and then add my overall comments at the end. I hope you can find some of my comments and feedback helpful!

"Crouching low, she flitted from archway, to door frame, to a shadowed stack of barrels in seconds."

Perhaps take the comma before "to door frame" out? It seems to flow better this way, just breaking "to a shadowed..." off with the comma.

"She was practicing the art of stalking, and finally felt as if she was getting the hang of it."

"...she was..." here should be changed to "...she were..." If you have "if" in a sentence, the "was" becomes "were".

"“Keep it up gringo and the night guard will be after us,” a deep male voice spoke, barely a noise above the nights cavalcade of music, but Wren recognized it immediately."

A comma should be placed before "gringo" here, since the one speaking is addressing someone directly. You also may want to capitalize it with a capital "G" because it is being used in place of a name. Also remember to add an apostrophe in "nights" to "night's", since it's possessive.

"“Ramone!”she said, trying to match his husky whisper, but only succeeded in a discordant squeak." Make this its own paragraph from the one it's in since Wren is speaking.

"The only indication of his presence was the twinkle in his mischievous eyes, dressed as he was in his dark thieves clothes."

Like in the sentence with "nights" that I mentioned needed to be possessive, "thieves" should be "thief's" or "thieves' ". (Either works, depending on how you want to say it).

"Wren's shoulders drooped and she sighed a bit too loudly, sending the nearby gutter mice scuttling away." Add this sentence to the end of the previous paragraph.

"“Wren,” Ramone said with quiet skepticism, “Do you know how many years it took me to get master skill recognition? And even then,” he said lifting his head with a cocky grin, eyes shining once more, “They say I was born with 'El Regalo.' All I'm saying Chica, is to not get your hopes up.” he said shaking his head."

There are a lot of dialogue tags in this sentence. You only want to use one of them, so see which makes the most sense in this case. Here are the three examples of how this sentence could be worded:

“Wren,” Ramone said with quiet skepticism. “Do you know how many years it took me to get master skill recognition? And even then they say I was born with 'El Regalo.' All I'm saying Chica, is to not get your hopes up.”

“Wren, do you know how many years it took me to get master skill recognition? And even then,” he said lifting his head with a cocky grin, eyes shining once more, “they say I was born with 'El Regalo.' All I'm saying Chica, is to not get your hopes up.”

“Wren, do you know how many years it took me to get master skill recognition? And even then they say I was born with 'El Regalo.' All I'm saying Chica, is to not get your hopes up,” he said, shaking his head.

"“Don't cry.” Ramone snapped." Make this its own paragraph.

"“Come now,” he said, this time a bit gentler throwing his arm around her and ushering her back down the narrow street, “Let's go home,the night isn't over and we have more training to do.”" Make this its own paragraph. Also watch the punctuation in this section. It should read as:

“Come now,” he said, this time a bit gentler, throwing his arm around her and ushering her back down the narrow street. “Let's go home,the night isn't over and we have more training to do.”

"Wren brightened at this idea, excitement diminishing her feelings of inadequacy this evening, “Ok,” she said."

This section needs only one "dialogue tag" again. I say it as "dialogue tag", because the "she said" isn't entirely necessary in this case. You can simply leave her action here first and then finish with her statement. You also want to spell "ok" out as "okay". Make this it's own paragraph, as well:

Wren brightened at this idea, excitement diminishing her feelings of inadequacy this evening. “Okay.”

"No sooner had they left the walls of the city and headed towards the trees that lead into the wilderness Wren cried out, “Race you!” and darted out of sight. Ramone cursed softly, but couldn't keep the a slight grin off his face as he ran after her."

These sentences should all be their own paragraphs. Add a period before "Race you!" to end that sentence and then make "Race you!" it's own paragraph. It will keep things running smoother and have the dialogue properly formatted.

Now, for overall comments:

Like your last prompt challenge, you do a good job establishing your characters in small spaces. Their actions speak a lot of them, even though a lot of detail is left out in this, we can still get a sense of who these characters are. Good job!

It's an interesting short, snippet that captures a good moment between the characters and it has a lot of great imagery. My only real comment aside from the small things I pointed out above would be to watch your adverb use. There were a lot of them through here. Try reading your work aloud and see if you can catch them. Highlight them in your writing program and read the piece without them included and see if it flows any smoother. Most of them you'll find can actually be taken out! Just work on cutting some of them out.

Overall, good job with a short flash fiction piece again! You know how to create and portray characters through action well!